Can we bring anything?
Better answers to the question every host gets
After realizing how many assorted beers, chips, and half-finished pints of ice cream we’ve accumulated from hosting so frequently, we are now requesting that you consider bringing one of the following things instead the next time you come over:
Sparkling water such as LaCroix, Spindrift, or Topo Chico, but not Liquid Death because I’m not cool enough to “murder my thirst” as the tallboy can instructs. That is, unless Andrew Huberman has recently found that seltzers cause adrenal fatigue, leaky gut, and/or cancer, in which case I recommend we cancel our scheduled plan and cold plunge separately in silence to conserve our dopamine for another day.
Onions. Hear me out, of everything you could bring, these are statistically most likely to get enjoyed and finished within 48 hours.
Conversation topics that don’t involve cryptocurrency, tech, or interest rates.
No nonsense advice regarding cryptocurrency, tech, or interest rates if you can’t abide by the above request.
Candles, because hygge becomes a micronutrient in your 30s.
An itemized list of everything your brain trawls up at 3am so I have proof I’m not crazy—also, a notarized document certifying that you don’t think I’m crazy, and written confirmation that that you’re not, in fact, mad at me.
Podcast recommendations that are similar enough to my current lineup that I’ll like them, but different enough that I’ll learn something new. I like content that gently proves that I’m wrong about something, but in an informative and hilarious way. Just no more thoughtful and nuanced dissections of how fucked the world is, please.
A quick primer on what/why/who is the Met Gala for, exactly. It’s giving Hunger Games.
Evidence that our democracy won’t implode, explode, or any other form of “plode” related to attempting to re-elect a fraudulent real estate man turned reality TV star turned failed insurrectionist turned full time defendant in court cases.
Help finishing literally any of the dozens of spice containers we have. Our celery salt could have finished college in the time it’s been rolling around in there.
A 10 minute PowerPoint presentation on how Patrick Mahomes has won four AFC championship games and three Super Bowls in the same time period that the 49ers have lost two NFC championship games and two Super Bowls that Cris Collinsworth and Colin Cowherd would agree with and/or be aroused by.
A unifying theory of why parents discuss parking and airport logistics with the gravity of someone planning D-Day.
Artisanal bar soap that smells like cedar, lemon verbena, or the sinking feeling that this is exactly the type of gift my parents would enjoy.
Good news of any kind.
Commiseration over the fact that no matter how many times we clean the kitchen, do laundry, and tidy the house we always seem to need to clean the kitchen, do laundry, and tidy the house. This last one is time sensitive because we’re having people over shortly…
Let me know what you’ll be bringing the next time I have you over.
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