How Every Instagram Wedding Advice List Sounds
30 things brides and grooms have to know from a seasoned wedding planner, photographer, and DJ who has seen it all
Author’s note: Alexis and I got married last Saturday! We’re currently on our honeymoon, but I wanted to leave you with something fun to read while we’re away. With love,
—Reilly
If you scroll Instagram long enough after the algorithm figures out you’re engaged, you’ll be force-fed a baffling, hilarious, and spiritually exhausting firehose of wedding listicles like these— always soundtracked by “Ordinary” or “Beautiful Things,” as if those are the only two songs on Earth.
5 Most Common Wedding Regrets I Hear From Couples
Not putting QR Codes everywhere. If you don’t have a custom QR code on every table, coaster, and relative, how will your guests know where to post their photos, which cleverly crafted hashtag to use, or who to tag during the ceremony?
Not having an unplugged ceremony. No one wants their guests to be on their phones the entire wedding. You’re paying a photographer for a reason. No one actually uses those QR codes, anyway.
Doing a first look. This tradition is so 1800s. Why stage a surprise when your actual reaction when she walks down the aisle is going to be better, anyway?
Not doing a first look. Don’t come crying to me when you don’t have photos of you crying.
Not not doing a look first. Look, you should really make sure you look at your looks before your first look, to ensure they match the look at the first look you probably shouldn’t do—but if you do, pick a look that’ll look good when your guests first look at you looking at each other’s looks.
5 2025 Wedding Trends You’ll Totally Regret Skipping
No more garter toss, bouquet toss, coin toss, or mother-in-law toss. Who knew the obligatory tossing of random wedding-related paraphernalia would age poorly and go extinct the second people stopped to think about it?
Short and sweet speeches. To match the attention span of a modern guest, keep your speech under 15 seconds. Better yet, pre-record a dance routine to a trending Sabrina Carpenter song and post it to your Stories. For clarity, narrate as you go (“Now I’m making eye contact with my aunt. Now I’m wondering if anyone is listening...”) so guests scrolling their phones can still follow along.
Renting pets for photos. Whether it’s a llama in a bespoke tuxedo or a borrowed French bulldog named Baguette, custom animal day-of escorts make for great photos—and only slightly increase the cost and risk of bites and lawsuits.
Couples enjoying themselves. Contrary to popular belief, your wedding doesn’t have to be a joyless, scripted march from one Instagrammable set piece to another, like a Fast and Furious Movie in pastel bridesmaids dresses. Feel free to join cocktail hour, eat the food you paid for, or even dance to the songs you picked out. No one talks about this, but this is actually your wedding!
Toasts about the Fall of Constantinople. When toasts go wrong, it’s usually because they forget what this day is supposed to be about: celebrating how the Ottomans breached the city’s legendary Theodosian Walls after a 53-day siege. In yours, be sure to thank the massive cannons, including one designed by the Hungarian engineer Orban, which battered the fortifications into rubble. When in doubt, remember: your guests aren’t there to hear about your inside jokes, college stories, or childhood memories. They want to learn about how the Byzantine navy was unable to match Mehmed II’s cunning when he outmaneuvered them by having his ships hauled overland on greased planks to bypass the chain blockade of the Golden Horn.
A Wedding DJ Shares His 5 Tips for Keeping the Party Going All Night!
Your first dance song sets the tone. You are not just choosing a song—you’re making a statement of who you are now that you’re married. Are you timeless and elegant (“At Last” by Etta James)? Ironic and self-aware (“All Star” by Smash Mouth or anything off of the Shrek Soundtrack)? Or mentally unwell but sexy (an uncomfortably long, free-form performance of “Pony” by Ginuwine)? Choose wisely.
Don’t limit yourself to father-daughter dances. Why not have best bro dances, estranged cousin dances, or former roommate interpretive routines?
Your playlist must mirror Joseph Campbell’s hero’s journey. Start slow by introducing the call to adventure (usually Pitbull). Then get your heroes to their lowest point (also Pitbull-Mr. Worldwide!). Resolve the tension with a cathartic group singalong to “Timber” by Pitbull featuring Kesha that improbably unites your college friends, your mom’s co-worker, and your one blackout cousin who won’t stop requesting Skrillex. Bonus points if someone cries and/or hooks up during Pitbull’s newly released cover of “Mr. Brightside.” ¡Dale!
Don’t ask the DJ to “read the room.” Have you seen this room?! The room is sweaty, belligerent, and about to stage a bloodless coup of the DJ booth if you play “The Cupid Shuffle.” Stick to a strict setlist, three approved remixes, and a pre-agreed-upon safe word in case someone requests Nickelback.
Grandma wants to hear WAP. She won’t admit it, but she does.
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Do a hair and makeup trial. It’s essential to test your look in advance. If your stylist says “trust the process,” ask them if it will end with you looking like a 19th-century tuberculosis patient attending her first Coachella.
Hire a falconer. Wedding guests behave better if there’s a bird of prey on the premises.
Rehearse your faces. The “resting bride face” can be misread as panic, rage, or constipation. Have a neutral expression in your back pocket that says, I’m fine, I’m present, I just can’t feel my feet.
Build in buffer time. Things will run late. Guests will get lost. At some point, your aunt will demand to know where her gluten-free crab cakes are, and you’ll quietly say, “There was never any crab,” before walking into the ocean like a silk-shod Byzantine general as Ottoman cannons thunder across the Bosphorus.
Plan an exit that makes people question their own marriages.
Don’t just walk out. Glide. Vanish. Ascend via invisible wire while Florence Welch howls like a feral beast at the sky. Leave no emotional survivors.
5 Groom Tips Every Man Needs (But No One Talks About)
Actually help out. You should, you know, like fucking do something. Your wedding isn’t supposed to be a surprise party for the groom. Everyone wants to talk about Bridezillas, but do you remember what created Godzilla? Nuclear energy. Your astounding lack of participation is the nuclear energy in this equation.
Don’t underestimate the importance of linen weight. Your linens are the skin of your wedding. If your tables are wearing polyester, you might as well be getting married in an airport Chili’s.
Figure out how boutonnières work. You will be asked to pin one. You will think, It’s just a flower,” you’ll say—right before stabbing someone. Watch a video, for the love of God.
Don’t get blackout. Your groomsmen will try to hand you a double bourbon five minutes before the ceremony “for your nerves.” This is a trap. These men once dared you to play Edward 40-Hands in a canoe. They are not to be trusted.
Practice a facial expression for when you see the décor for the first time. Since you’ve likely played zero role in the planning process, you will be seeing most of the setup for the first time on the actual day. Your partner has been looking at Pinterest boards since the Obama administration. Rehearse your “stunned but deeply moved” face in the mirror. This is her Super Bowl.
5 Aspects of Your Wedding Worth Spending Extra Money On
The vows. Traditional vows are so 2009. Personalize them by workshopping with your couples therapist, a screenwriter laid off by AI, and the algorithm behind your Spotify Wrapped. Bonus points if you reference the KPIs of your marriage and your Q2 goals.
The bathroom signage. If your guests don’t emerge from the Porta Potty whispering “God, that font pairing,” what are you even doing?
A pre-marital brand audit. You’re not just becoming one household — you’re merging two iconic, aspirational lifestyle brands. Run a full SEO audit, verify name compatibility across handles and domains, and confirm your hex codes and iconography are optimized for mobile and display correctly in both light and dark mode.
The seating chart. Your tables aren’t just groups of people sharing salad — they should each reflect a mood, a subplot, or a genre. Think: Liberal Arts Ennui, Niche Hobby Oversharers, Wes Anderson Casting Call, or People Who Once Hooked Up but Are Now Fine. Bonus points if you create a QR code that maps out each guests' interpersonal dynamics and unresolved emotional baggage.
The dress code. “Casual black tie” is a contradiction in terms. “Garden formal with a touch of whimsy” is a cry for help. Workshop it like you're naming a fragrance. We’re talking pithy but provocative mouthfuls of raw vibes like: Coastal Ambush, Apocalyptic Apres Ski, Detritus, Essence of Evanescence, Horny and Terrified, or Constantinople in 1453.