If Other Companies Sent Out Spotify's Wrapped Campaign

Dec 01, 2023

You spent 597 minutes irritated by intractable political dysfunction and 322 minutes spiraling about climate catastrophe.
The op-ed articles you scowled at the most but refused to finish reading were:
- “Yet Another Reason Cool Republicans Like Me Are Blameless for Trump” by Ross Douthat
- “I Alone Understand the Middle East” by Thomas Friedman
- “Young People Make Me Cranky Which Makes Me Right” by David Brooks
- “This Cherry-Picked Statistic Proves Capitalism is Great for the Environment” by Bret Stephens
Your longest streak of morning moods ruined thanks to a heavy episode of The Daily: 12 in a row! We should really get a commission from your therapist.
The number of times you clicked into the comments of a trending article and were disheartened by what you read: 44 — you really think you would have learned to stop doing that by now.
You entered a dirty word as a Wordle guess: 17 times. Nice try, pervert.

You ordered delivery when you had perfectly good food in the fridge: 55 times.
The average number of drinks consumed before ordering from us: 3— those are rookie numbers or you’re over 30.
Orders it took you to realize that deep fried food doesn’t travel well: 8.
The amount of money your friends still owe you for the large order you placed, despite promising to Venmo you: $58.48. You should really set up a SplitWise.
Your most popular genre of food was: Chicken tenders from the late night place that shouldn’t have both pizza and burgers on the menu but does for some reason. Nice job, just never order the popcorn shrimp if you value your life outside of the bathroom.

You jealousy clicked on the geotags of the lavishly documented vacations of 17 different long lost acquaintances. Someone must be low on serotonin or PTO days, huh? We can’t help with either, but keep scrolling, sweetie!
Your most common comment that was actually a total lie was: Looks fun! 😎
Your close friends sent each other the exact same meme: 47 times.
You saw a trending post featuring the photo of 12 beloved celebrities and mistakenly assumed they’d recently died.
Your #PostingPersonality: The oversharer. Not every individual topping on your recent pizza needed to be covered that thoroughly on your stories. You were having a snack, not attending the Met Gala.

You were gouged $575 dollars for having the nerve to travel to and from your local airport on a weekend like a total sucker.
You ignored the very real possibility of taking public transit, biking, or just not going to that mediocre dive bar: 17 times.
You wondered how your Uber driver afforded this brand new Tesla: 13 times.
You struggled to find a ride or were mysteriously cancelled on: 18 times.
Your Ride Alter Ego is: Surge Surfer. You know you should avoid surge pricing but it tends to happen on nights, weekends, and when you’re drunk so there’s nothing you can really do about it, right?

You rage quit the app 17 times after seeing another tone deaf self congratulatory post from some rando about their recent career milestone at Salesforce.
You saw and thought about applying to 42 jobs but didn’t because you were feeling overwhelmed, inadequate, or under-qualified that day.
Endorsements you gave without thinking if the person is actually good at that thing: 44. Dave seems like he’d know about analytics, though.
The number of cold emails from software as service companies trying to sell you on workplace products you’ll never use, which they’d know if they bothered to actually look at your profile was: 55…each month.
Deep sighs emitted after clicking on a trending post and reading the top comments, which always devolve into political bickering somehow: 68—we really thought you would have learned from your experience reading The New York Times.

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