Kill Sauron
The Quentin Tarantino single Lord of the Rings movie we almost got
“Of course, the finale of Django, in which the hero dynamites a slave plantation, like the finale of Inglorious Basterds, can’t deliver real closure. Those wounds are too deep. But we’ve always turned to stories for the resolutions we can’t find in life. And we’ve turned to genre for the “sudden joyous turn” that J. R. R. Tolkien once described, happy endings that give “a fleeting glimpse of joy, joy beyond the walls of the world, poignant as grief.”
-Evan Puschak, Thinking in Ouevres, from his essay collection Escape into Meaning
“Quentin has removed more women from their shoes than the TSA”
-Brad Pitt
In the mid 1990s, director Peter Jackson was desperate to find someone to believe in his vision that The Lord of the Rings would make a successful film trilogy. When shopping around for a studio to help bring J.R.R. Tolkien’s masterpiece to life, he initially brought his idea to Miramax. At that time, Miramax was an up and coming studio run by brothers Bob and Harvey Weinstein. Riding high off of the success of Pulp Fiction and a recent acquisition by Disney, the Weinsteins saw lucrative potential in Jackson’s idea. So Harvey fought to secure the film rights to The Hobbit and The Lord of the Rings from film producer Saul Zaentz, who owned them at the time. They were going to need the rights to both, since Jackson’s initial idea was 3 movies: one The Hobbit movie as a proof of concept, followed by the The Fellowship of the Ring and then The War of the Ring. However, things quickly got complicated. After Weinstein couldn’t secure rights to The Hobbit, they had to focus on adapting only The Lord of the Rings.
At this point, we must address the fact that in addition to being a serial sexual predator and horrific abuser of women, Harvey Weinstein was also infamous for being a temperamental bully with questionable judgement when it came to film production. Weinstein refused to adapt The Lord of the Rings as a trilogy and insisted it had to be only two movies. He also refused to tell Jackson the budget. Since Disney now owned Miramax, Weinstein could only approve projects with below a 100 million dollar budget and he’d only been able to secure 75 million for The Lord of the Rings. As context, 1996’s Independence Day had a budget of 75 million, so producing two high quality epic fantasy movies for that total was a long shot at best. Weinstein worried Jackson would look for another producer if he knew how small the budget really was. He was right to worry and Jackson was indeed getting nervous. He worried that this fledging partnership with Miramax was already a bad idea. It became clear to him that the Weinsteins both didn’t get the source material (at one point pitching it as “The Guns of Navaronne in Middle Earth”) and wouldn’t be able to dedicate the money and resources needed to bring his vision of the script to life. So Jackson made up his mind that the Weinsteins and Miramax weren’t the right partners for his project. He decided to part ways with them and find another studio.
When Harvey Weinstein found out, he exploded into a rage as he often did, and gave Jackson a shocking, antagonistic ultimatum. He had a ludicrously short 4 weeks to find another studio to produce the project. If he didn’t, Weinstein threatened to give The Lord of the Rings to his friend Quentin Tarantino, who would direct it as one two hour film. The one film script has been lost to time, so we don’t know much about the bullet we all dodged. However, according to Jackson biographer Ian Nathan, what we do know from a Miramax memo is that this “radical, streamlined approach to the material” would fly through the trilogy at a breakneck speed with little time for character development or exploration of themes. We also know for sure that in the one film script: “Helm’s Deep was cut, Theoden and Denethor combined as were Rohan and Gondor, and Eowyn replaced Farmir to be Bormir’s sister.” The memo also mentioned that Moria would be drastically shortened and even debated cutting Saruman or having him present at the Battle of the Pelennor Fields. Jacksons judgement of the one film script for Tarantino was that “It was literally guaranteed to disappoint every single person that has read that book.”
Thankfully, we know how things turned out. Miraculously, Jackson beat Weinstein’s ticking clock and secured a pitch meeting with New Line Cinema. Jackson pitched his original two movie The Lord of the Rings idea. They liked his idea and had but one note: Why on earth would you make this trilogy of books as two movies when it should clearly be three movies? Three movies would not only be more faithful to the books, reasoned New Line exec Bob Shaye, but it would also give the project one more box office cycle to recover the hefty budget needed to bring a project of this scope to life. With a three film structure in place, New Line agreed to produce, giving it a budget of 280 million dollars and opting to shoot all 3 movies at once, something that had never been done before. Jackson parted ways with the Weinstein brothers, finally getting them to leave him alone by giving them 5% of the gross and producer credits. Once production was underway, Jackson included a big F-U to Harvey Weinstein in Return of the King by conspicuously designing the orc captain Gothmog to have his “rotten potato from hell” face.
History became legend, legend became myth, and eventually Weinstein and Tarantino’s roles in LOTR passed out of all knowledge except for the occasional Instagram or Reddit post about it. Still haunting us LOTR fans to this day are two things. The first is the fact Bob and Harvey Weinstein’s names are still conspicuously early on in the credits to all 3 movies. The second is a burning question: what might a single Lord of the Rings film directed by Quentin Tarantino have actually looked like?
CHAPTER 1: A LONG EXPECTED VENGEANCE
EXT. HOBBIT'S HUT - DAY
A low-angle extreme close-up shot reveals the spectacularly large, dirty, and calloused feet of MR. FRODO. He stares down MR. GANDALF, a mysterious sorcerer with a criminal past, who enters the frame smoking a Red Apple cigarette, billowing smoke all over the tranquil Shire.
MR. FRODO Motherfucker you’re late.
MR. GANDALF (gravelly voice) Look shorty, I’m a wizard. I’m never late, nor am I early. I arrive precisely when I’m ready to arrive, alright?
MR. FRODO Your magical powers don’t apply to punctuality, Gandalf, but it’s damn good to see you. You bring those fireworks I asked for?
From the POV of the trunk of MR GANDALF's horse-drawn cart, we see him unloading weapons but not fireworks.
MR. GANDALF Listen, we don’t have much time. That ring Bilbo gave you— it turns out Mr. Sauron wants it. So I figure this is our chance to lure him out of his mansion in Mordor and give that motherfucker some payback for what he did to Bilbo.
MR. FRODO I hate Mr. Sauron more than anyone for what he did to my uncle, but to pull off this kinda job we’ll need more men.
MR. GANDALF Nine. We’ll need nine companions total. I know where to find some hitters that hate that orc humper Mr. Sauron more than they hate each other.
MR. FRODO Rivendell?
MR. GANDALF Yep.
MR. FRODO Those elves are always up to some crazy shit.
MR. GANDALF Hippy dippy, nature-loving, Lembas-chomping motherfuckers with pointy ears, but boy can they shoot. Plus we’ll need anyone else who can swing an axe or sword to dish out the kind of payback I’ve got cooking. Listen, no matter what, keep that fucking ring secret and keep it safe. You’ll have Mr. Sauron’s wraith hitmen on your trail soon enough and we’ll need that trinket to draw Mr. Sauron out of his spiky house. You got me?
MR. FRODO nods stoically, and we zoom in for a closeup of the ring stashed in his breast pocket for safekeeping.
CROSS CUT TO:
FLASHBACK - INT. MR. SAURON'S MANSION - NIGHT
MR. SAURON stabs MR. BILBO, MR. FRODO’s uncle, in his foot with a letter opener before brutally torturing him for an uncomfortable amount of screen time. The spooky mansion's interior is as black as obsidian, adorned with wallpaper featuring a flaming eye motif. The scarlet Hobbit blood splattering the walls gives the place an eerie, satanic dungeon vibe. Now we understand MR. FRODO’s motivation for revenge in grisly detail.
FADE OUT.
CHAPTER 2: ELROND’S DINER
INT. ELROND'S DINER - DAY
A multi-cultural council is in session at a cozy diner in the elvish city of Rivendell called ELROND'S. Seated around a table are MR. MAN (Brad Pitt), MR. ELF (Leonardo DiCaprio), and MR. DWARF (Samuel L. Jackson). ELF LEADER (Kurt Russell) presides over the gathering, while MR. MAN's ex-girlfriend, the surly assassin SHE ELF (Uma Thurman), sharpens her sword stoically in the corner.
The atmosphere is tense as the men banter, constantly one-upping each other with witty zingers and movie references, all while devouring Big Kahuna Burgers. Fleetwood Mac's "Go Your Own Way" plays in the background as they debate their plan to confront MR. SAURON.
Amidst the bickering, MR. DWARF loses his temper and starts yelling at the council.
MR. DWARF Enough of this pointy-eared bullshit! I'm tired of these elves speaking in fucking Elvish. English, motherfuckers! Do you speak it?
As the heated exchange continues, MR. FRODO finally speaks up.
MR. FRODO (standing up) Shut up! I will take it. I'll lug that sucker to Mordor myself if it means you all cut the bickering and lend a hand. Now, who has directions?
MR. GANDALF (nodding gratefully) No need to do things solo unless your name is Han. I’ve got your back on this one, kid.
MR. MAN (Brad Pitt) (stands up) If that's how it's going down, count me in. You've got my sword.
MR. ELF (Leonardo DiCaprio) (smiling) I've seen your sword. Not much more than a butterknife. You'll need my bow.
MR. DWARF (Samuel L. Jackson) (loudly) And my axe, motherfucker!
ELF LEADER (Kurt Russell) Looks like we got us a fellowship of the ring then, boys.
SHE ELF (Uma Thurman) scowls in the corner and continues sharpening her sword.
ELF LEADER flashes a satisfied smile, pulls out a joint, sparks it up and passes it around as "Jungle Boogie" by Kool and the Gang starts playing. The nascent fellowship starts bonding while getting ready for their mission.
MONTAGE - We see weapons being assembled with boyish glee, the camera swirling in and out of extreme closeups of arrow quivers, scabbards, and endless racks of axes like a hummingbird that’s chugged a Monster Energy drink.
The fellowship then sets out on their journey, walking across the landscapes of Middle Earth. MR. FRODO is now wearing a fly leather jacket straight out of Starsky & Hutch. We see series of closeups of their feet as they hike across the landscape of Middle Earth. MR. BOMBADIL (on horse and buggy) passes by, playing "Flowers on the Wall" by The Statler Brothers.
MR. GANDALF (annoyed) Leave us the fuck alone, Bombadil. We don't need your tree-hugging crap in our fellowship.
MR. BOMBADIL flips them off and rides away iconically into the sunset.
The group banter continues as they walk.
MR. GANDALF After showing orcs the business end of my sword, I love a good smoke. Helps take the edge off.
MR. MAN (smiling) What's the best pipe weed you've ever had?
MR. GANDALF Longbottom leaf is the shit, one of the greatest pipe weeds of all time.
MR. FRODO (correcting) It’s definitely one of the the pipe weeds of all time. Everyone knows Old Toby is the finest weed in the South farthing, though. If you play your cards right, I might even share some with you. What I could really go for right now is a snack though.
MR. MAN We already had breakfast. How the fuck are you hungry already?
MR. FRODO Two words that will change your life, dude: second breakfast.
MR. MAN How is it that halflings are half our size but eat twice as many meals?
They stop for a snack, sharing pipe weed and donuts from Teriyaki Donut. A debate over their route becomes heated, and tempers flare.
MR. DWARF (vehemently) I don't recall anyone asking for my goddamn opinion! Why is everyone but dwarves so into hiking all of the sudden? Why the fuck are we going over the mountain when we can just walk through the motherfucker? I know a guy in Moria.
MR. GANDALF looks worried but says nothing. MR. HOBBIT's vote is the tiebreaker, and they decide to head into Moria.
CUT TO BLACK.
CHAPTER 3: THE FLAMING MORIA SHOWDOWN
EXT. MINES OF MORIA - STONE GATE - NIGHT
MR. GANDALF and MR. DWARF stand in front of the imposing door of the Mines of Moria, performing a secret knock. The door creaks open slowly.
INSIDE - UPSTAIRS HALLWAY
They cautiously walk along the hallway, where the floorboards have caved in, creating a mini chasm for them to hop across.
MR. MAN offers to help MR. DWARF, but the proud dwarf fiercely rejects the offer.
MR. DWARF (quick-witted) Bitch, no one tosses a dwarf!
MR. MAN (smirking) You're as stubborn as that asshole Gloin that raised you.
MR. FRODO (to Gandalf, weary) This quest sucks harder a vacuum. I wish the ring had never come to me.
Mr. GANDALF (lighting a cigarette) Look, half pint I don’t blame you. We can’t change what went down yesterday, but we can sure as hell make tomorrow a living hell for Sauron, right?
MR. FRODO That’s right. He’s about to find out that what I lack in height I more than make up for in firepower. Just one crazy sire from the Shire plus a few squires about to bring the fire…
MR. GANDALF You can stop now. I get it.
They pause, hearing a noise behind them in the dark, creepy hallway. MR. BALROG, an intimidating hitman, emerges from the blackness. He is wearing a Guy Fieri-style short sleeve button-down shirt covered in cartoon flames. He holds a comically large flamethrower, aiming it at the fellowship. He begins to chase after them, almost incinerating MR. FRODO and his hobbit friends who have tagged along.
MR. GANDALF (to MR. MAN) Make like James Brown and take ‘em to the bridge!
MR. MAN leads the fellowship across the bridge leading to the exit. As they scamper across, MR. GANDALF turns to face MR. BALROG and make his last stand.
MR. GANDALF (ferociously) Motherfucker, you shall not pass!
MR. BALROG's flamethrower briefly malfunctions, giving MR. GANDALF an opportunity to close the gap and take him out.
MR. GANDALF brutally dismembers MR. BALROG, executing him with the over-the-top gory maximalism of a Mortal Kombat finishing move. Blood splatters everywhere, covering MR. FRODO in a grotesque manner, reminiscent of Stephen King's Carrie meets Nickelodeon's Slime Time Live. The hallway now resembles a morbid Jackson Pollock painting, and more blood lands on the camera lens for extra effect.
As MR. GANDALF turns to rejoin the fellowship, a close-up shows his feet slipping on the lake of blood on the floor. He flops into the air and hits his head hard on the tank of MR. BALROG's flamethrower.
Before passing out, MR. GANDALF addresses his friends.
MR. GANDALF (weakly) Fly you fools.
FADE OUT.
CHAPTER 4: SIMPLY WALK INTO MORDOR
EXT. MORIA- DAY
The fellowship, visibly shaken from their escape from Moria, huddles together. MR. MAN addresses them.
MR. MAN (focused) Listen up. Once we cross into Mordor, we're only doing one thing: killing orcs and killing orcs.
MORDOR - BLACK GATE
The fellowship is now dressed as orcs, attempting to sneak past the Black Gate. They finally arrive in MR. SAURON’s neighborhood of Mordor. However, their disguises won't work here. The area is heavily guarded by ORC HENCHMEN in dapper suits, wielding katanas, and accompanied by enormous war elephants.
MR. ELF and MR. DWARF rush into battle, competing to kill as many of MR. SAURON’s minions as possible. "Wipe Out" by the Surfaris plays as blood flies everywhere.
MR. ELF (excitedly) Hey, Axe body spray, check it out, I took down one of his jumbo dumbos!
MR. DWARF (retorting) That still only counts as one you pointy-eared tree hugger!
MR. ELF Your math skills are as bad as your fighting skills. It’s a miracle you even made it this far. You’re more lumberjack than warrior if you ask me…
MR. ELF and MR. DWARF continue to banter while slaughtering orcs
CUT TO- INSIDE MR. SAURON'S HOUSE - KITCHEN
MR. GANDALF, seemingly back from the dead, is resplendent in a crisp white suit. He confronts MR. SAURON and MR. SARUMAN who are waiting for him in the kitchen.
TENSE DIALOGUE ensues. We suddenly realize that this movie hasn’t been told in chronological order. Through some stylistic flashbacks of peoples feet who weren’t attached to the people that we thought they were, we realize that it was actually MR. SARUMAN who suggested MR. SAURON capture and torture MR. BILBO. We learn it was also him who told MR. GANDALF where to find MR. SAURON before MR. GANDALF went to the Shire to recruit MR FRODO. MR. SARUMAN was secretly playing both sides of the war, hoping to kill off two biggest rivals in one botched revenge heist. With plausible deniability, MR. SARUMAN could then take over the crime syndicates of Middle Earth.
BACK TO THE PRESENT
The three engage in a Mexican standoff, swords and staffs quivering in extreme closeups.
Suddenly, SHE ELF, brandishing an Elvish katana, walks and calmly decapitates MR. SARUMAN.
SHE ELF (angry) You boys aren’t the only ones with a score to settle in Middle Earth. You’ve been so focused on avenging Mr. Bilbo that you’ve done nothing to stop Mr. Sauron from slaughtering the forests of the world. Mr. Bombadil tipped me off about how many trees that fucking wizard clearcut to kill to build his stupid fucking army and I lost it. I’m about as profane as they come, but there is no curse word in Elvish, Entish, or the tongues of men for this kind of treachery. You wizards should know better. And don’t get me started on that fucking ring. It’s a fucking McGuffin as far as I’m concerned. I don’t give a shit about your stupid quest and I don’t need your magic jewelry. Anyway, I’ve hated rings ever since Mr. Man left me for dead on my wedding day. I might just toss this fucker in Mt Doom to get rid of it once and for all.
SHE ELF then runs MR. SAURON through with her katana, skewering him like shawarma right there in his own kitchen. Blood flies everywhere, covering her bare feet.
SHE ELF (triumphantly) Looks like meat’s back on the menu, boys,
SHE ELF spits on their corpses
MR FRODO walks into the kitchen, holding the ring. Seeing the carnage, he vomits and drops the ring, which rolls over to SHE ELF’s bare feet. She looks disinterested, wiping the blood off of her sword before bending to pick it up.
MR. FRODO (astonished) Woah, man, you killed them!
SHE ELF (casually) I am no man. You're looking at a woman and my sword is the business end of radical ecofeminism. Now scram little Shire squire. Mordor must burn for their crimes against my friends in the forest.
SHE ELF pours a can of gasoline on the outside of MR. SAURON’s house, lights a Red Apple cigarette with a match, then tosses the lit match behind her to burn down MR. SAURON’s house and all of the bodies, weapons, and evidence of her crimes. The House with its flaming eye wallpaper and spiky black architecture begins to burn, spewing black smoke into the air.
SHE ELF turns to MR, FRODO and the remaining hobbits, who are standing there dumbstruck. She addresses them casually.
SHE ELF You halflings hungry? I know a late night diner in Gondor where we could get some tasty second breakfast.
EPILOGUE: SECOND BREAKFAST
INT. UNNAMED GONDORIAN DINER- LATE NIGHT
SHE ELF and the hobbits eating bacon, tomatoes, and sauteéd mushrooms at the diner. They are all barefoot. The hobbits seem relieved. With MR SAURON and MR. SARUMAN dead and MR. ELF and MR. DWARF headed off to rob a bank in Minas Tirith, they can finally get back to what they enjoy most: eating. We get lots of close ups of their extravagant late night breakfast. We hear indistinct banter. Then, one by one, they look towards the end of the table where SHE ELF is sitting.
CUT to EXT. MR. SAURON’s HOUSE
The house is now fully engulfed in flames. We see that all of the hatred and exploitation of orcs and nature got him no where. For all of his crimes against elves, men, wizards, hobbits, silent trees, and talking trees, he’s finally gotten his bloody, fiery comeuppance.
CUT back to INT. DINER
SHE ELF looks iconic in her immaculate green Adidas tracksuit. She’s seated with her bare feet propped up on the table, elf toes angled up and towards the camera as she leans back. Revenge complete, she can eat in peace. She looks down at the ring, a satisfied smile crossing her face. We are now unsure if she plans to destroy the ring or keep it. Her intentions are ambiguous. She tosses the ring up into the air.
“Ring of Fire” by Johnny Cash begins to play as the credits roll.
FADE OUT.
Directed by Quentin Tarantino
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