Rental House Rules
A few notes to help you enjoy your stay with us
Thanks so much for staying with us at The Osprey’s Nest, our home away from home upstate. Like every house, this one has a few quirks that need to be mentioned. Here’s what you need to know:
The house key is stored in a rock that looks like a frog, located beneath a frog that looks like a rock.
The plumbing is old and very sensitive. Please don’t put bacon grease, coffee grounds, food scraps, beer, wine, or water down the kitchen sink.
The WiFi Network is called OspreyNest and the password is: dreamhouse. If you have difficulty connecting to the WiFi, try shouting compliments at the router; it has been known to respond to flattery.
On cold nights, feel free to use the fireplace, but only with the ‘fire-safe’ logs provided. If there are not ‘fire-safe’ logs in the shed, please contact Archibald, our lumberjack, who will unicycle over from his cottage to deliver more.
DO NOT flush the two upstairs toilets simultaneously or they will purge their contents onto the bunkbeds in the basement. The downstairs toilet will only flush if the door is unlocked and the basement toilet must only be flushed if it’s currently raining.
Please do not bring bath towels to the beach— use the beach towels instead. Please do not get sand, sunscreen, water, or sun on the beach towels.
To turn on the lights in the kitchen, you must first flip the switch located behind the refrigerator, then hum “ode to joy” while slowly rotating the ceiling fan blades counterclockwise by hand.
There is a ring-tailed moth infestation in this area. If ingested, touched, or looked at, this invasive species can cause skin rash, blindness, and uncontrollable flatulence.
Guests are encouraged to interact with our pet llama, Fernando, but only in German. Fernando does not respond well to English commands and has been known to spit in Spanish.
There are two standup paddleboards (SUPs) in the pool shed that you’re welcome to borrow. Be advised of the two ornery adolescent Orca whales that have been spotted near our dock that may attempt to capsize your SUP. We recommend placating them as best you can.
The house’s smart thermostat is a bit temperamental— please avoid selecting the “Fahrenheit 451” option.
You’re welcome to use the pool, but we kindly ask that you avoid getting wet or creating any splashing sounds, as this disturbs our neighbor’s peacocks.
We’ve had issues with guests stealing our Live, Laugh, Love decor, which is why it’s been zip tied to the walls and fitted with AirTags. If you attempt to steal our Gather or Life’s a Beach signs, we will prosecute you to the full extent of the law.
Do not attempt to rearrange the garden gnomes, as this will anger the local wood sprites.
If you encounter the ghosts of the former owners at night, remain calm and invite them into the living room. There, they can explain which of the 7 television remotes actually works and how to use it.
Before checkout, please strip the sheets off of the beds, rip the sheets into strips, disassemble the beds, and return them to IKEA.
I’m obligated to inform you that this was satire after one reader mistakenly took my fictional account of Michael Pollan going to a dive bar as a true story of me getting tipsy with the author of The Omnivore’s Dilemma (I wish!). That said, if you enjoyed this satirical tidbit, please share it with a friend or family member!
What’s the most ridiculous rental house rule you’ve seen? I want to know.
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