The Unofficial Official Anthem of the Fox News Cinematic Universe
The line by line analysis of "Grandpas Never Died" that you didn't know you needed
Before “Try That in a Small Town” and “Rich Men North of Richmond,” there was “Grandpas Never Died.” This proto-country anthem by Riley Green is both a lament to losing someone you love and a detailed glimpse into the mindset of a stereotypical rural American, courtesy of a list of 21 wishes. Imagine “Why” by Jadakiss, but vocalizing the grievances and deepest desires of a very different demographic.
Now, as Bo Burnham cleverly demonstrated, it’s too easy for a coastal, urban democrat like me to use country lyrics as a verbal punching bag. So, instead of doing that, I’d like to learn about this other Riley through curiosity, empathy, and the power of textual analysis.
Since country is so often about pining for things you don’t have, I want to understand what exactly Green wants and what the world look like if all of his 21 wishes came true. To do this, I’ll analyze the lyrics to note which of Riley’s wishes are: a) objectively great b) weird requests that complicate the world c) would break the fabric of space-time.
So hop in them jeans, climb in my truck, and buckle up, buttercup.
First Verse:
I wish girls you love never gave back diamond rings- The sentiment is sweet but entails full erasure of female agency that would change the divorce rate. We’re off to a mildly problematic start. Verdict: Weird
I wish every porch had a swing- Me, too! Some of my fondest childhood memories involve swings & porches. Verdict: Great
I wish kids still learned to say "sir" and "ma'am"How to shake a hand- It’s a stereotypically Southern emphasis on manners, but I think his heart is in the right place. Verdict: Great
I wish every state had a Birmingham- This is an odd hill to die on. What’s so great about Birmingham, exactly? For the record, there are 10 states with a Birmingham. Kentucky used to have one until the Tennessee Valley Authority flooded it to make Kentucky Lake, turning it into “a sunken city.” Verdict: Weird
I wish everybody knew all the words to “Mama Tried”- This would make karaoke better. Verdict: Great
I wish Monday mornings felt just like Friday nights- This would either mean we’d finally escaped the rigid confines of the 40 hour work week or people started pregaming their morning Zoom meetings with Bud Light. The former is enlightening and the latter is a bit frightening, but this is the kind of world I can get behind. Verdict: Great
Chorus:
And I wish even cars had truck beds- Country logic dictates that even a song about loss must make time to praise trucks—before hittin’ the heartbreak again in the chorus. With everyone required to have a truck bed, we’d suddenly have a lot more cargo capacity and much worse gas milage. Do we even have that many piles of lumber, cinderblocks, and ATVs to haul as a nation? Watching a Ford or Dodge commercial you’d certainly think so. Love it or hate it, the idea of nonconsensual truck bed installation would change transportation forever. Verdict: World-breaking
And every road was named Copperhead- This would be a navigational nightmare in practice! Can you imagine your GPS telling you to “turn right on Copperhead, then left at Copperhead, then continue straight on Copperhead…”? Verdict: World-breaking
And coolers never ran out of cold Bud Light- Ah, the Red State version of Harry Potter’s room of requirement. With self-replenishing coolers, the picnic industry would overtake and eventually replace the bar industry, causing most of us to drink outside. This would cause increased sunscreen, umbrella, lawn chair, and hat sales, but also melanoma rates, liver disease, and cornhole injuries. The real winners wouldn’t be Budweiser, who might actually lose money off this, but YETI and Igloo, who would become the new Apple and Amazon. This would be a lively if debaucherous world to live in. Verdict: Great, but also world-breaking
And I wish high school home teams never lost- This would ruin the entertainment value of high school sports and Friday Night Lights, even after a Connie Britton worthy quantity of Chardonnay. Verdict: Weird
And back road drinking kids never got caught- I like the ethos of decriminalizing cracking open a few crispy boys on a back road. Yet what if the buzzed rural youth were also involved in more nefarious crimes, like importing illegal parrots? This could lead to some unstoppable crime waves in Tulsa, Mobile, and Lubbock. Verdict: Weird
I wish the price of gas was low and cotton was high- Like a guitar-wielding Thanos, Green just wrecked OPEC and elevated cotton exporting powerhouses like China and India with one snap of his fingers. Permanently low gas prices could destabilize the petrochemical industry enough to move us away from fossil fuels, assuming his mandatory truck cars could move off the suddenly cheap gas and onto electric power. I’m frankly baffled why the nerds at Freakonomics haven’t recorded a podcast on this hypothetical yet. Verdict: World-breaking
I wish honky-tonks didn't have no closing time- We should all be able to drink, sing, and dance as late as we want. Anyone who has tried to do something in the Bay Area after midnight should be on board with this, too. Verdict: Great
And I wish grandpas never died- This is the sentimental nucleus of the song that’s also the most chaotic in practice. We’re already facing an elder care crisis in the US, so Green’s titular longing for immortal grandpas is as lovely as it is impractical. Verdict: World-breaking
Verse Two:
I wish Sundays on a creek bank would never end- So if you’re on a creek bank on a Sunday you essentially get to live forever. This would certainly increase the life expectancy of Green’s home state of Alabama. Verdict: World-breaking
Wish I could learn to drive again- All I remember about learning to drive was the lurching gravitational terror and acrid smells emanating from my dads clutch while stalling in the Berkeley hills, but I sense that’s where the author and I differ greatly. Verdict: Weird
I wish the first time, seventeen, she was my everything kiss in a Chevrolet could happen every day- First love hits different. Verdict: Great
I wish everybody overseas was gonna make it home- The benign implication is that we deploy our troops sparingly for peacekeeping or natural disaster relief. The sinister implication is invincible super soldiers. I worry what this would do to our already turgid military industrial complex. Verdict: Great, but also world-breaking
I wish country music still got played on country radio- It’s unclear from this line if he objects to pop-country like Taylor Swift or mainstream country like Florida Georgia Line. What is clear is that this line pissed off some people in the country industry, causing Green to have to create a radio edit that said "I wish George Jones still got played on country radio.” Verdict: Weird
And I wish good dogs never got grey and old- I love the spirt of this one even though it would certainly break how our veterinary system works. Losing a beloved dog is just about as hard as losing a grandparent. Verdict: Great
I wish farms never got sold- This would protect small family farms from getting gobbled up, but would also reshape the food system.Verdict: World-breaking
The final tally: Of his 21 distinct wishes, I found 9 of them great (43%), 6 of them weird (29%) , and 8 of them world-breaking (38%)*
*Since I categorized some wishes under multiple categories, this total adds up to more than 100% This is also a semi-satirical essay, not an economics paper.
Of course, “Grandpas Never Died” isn't meant to be taken literally; its exaggerated tone mirrors the intensity of our emotions when faced with heartbreak and mortality. The only thing that’s more certain than a cooler eventually running out of cold Bud Light or your farm eventually getting sold is that you will have to taste the pain of losing someone close to you. My own grandpa died in February of the same the year this song came out. I can attest that it’s a devastating experience that takes a long time to process. Songs like this can help, as you can hear in the live version.
While I went into this exercise to mine for comedic gold, I was surprised by how much common ground I unearthed along the way. Even within the text of an explicitly Red State anthem, I realized that the author and I actually see eye to eye on a lot of things. All it takes to access this empathy is to holster my snark and preconceptions and listen with curiosity.
Feeling inspired by his sincerity, and the power of music to unite us, I took the liberty of writing a Reilly version of Riley’s manifesto. This is what I’ll leave you with:
I wish that this blog had more views
And all my flights produced no CO2
And fridges never ran out of fresh-made guac
I wish yappy small dogs could never bark
And one day I could see a Great White Shark
I wish the price of socks was low and essays was high
I wish taco shops didn’t have no closing time
And I wish Sean Bean never died
